I pray that all of you, dear readers, took my picks last week. Took my picks all the way to some off-shore account and now find yourself relaxing comfortably. Lounging in a hammock watching the sun set over the Pacific on some uncharted island in the South Pacific sipping mango juice and rum out of a frosty glass.
Yes indeedy...if you were paying attention you would have noticed that my 11 picks last week went 10-1...TEN AND ONE against the spread. Now, I definitely am one to toot my own horn so I will say that 10-1 is REMARKABLE...toot freakin’ toot! 10-1 as it may....sorry I just can’t stop saying it...10-1, 10-1, 10-1...try it, its fun.
Anyway a new week calls and its time to muss up that sterling record. On to the picks, as always these picks are purely for entertainment and should be relied on about as much as relying on Pasqua not to make fun of you when you ask him if “I look good in these male Capri pants?”
(Sheridan’s lines as of 10/6) - Picks in bold
#2 Auburn (-15 ½) vs. Arkansas: Do you know what tigers do to true freshman quarterbacks starting on the road? I don’t know either, that’s a stupid question. But I do know that I hate Arkansas because they hired Mustain’s high school coach on to their staff just to get ole Mitchy to sign. Incidentally, that would be a great season finale to “Friday Night Lights” (yes I watched the first episode, wha-you-gon-say ‘bout it?)
Book...movie...TV series...when does "Friday Night Lights ON ICE" start touring?
Alabama (-28 ½) vs. Duke: Has there ever been a spread big enough against Duke? Seriously, I could see Wofford (-43) at Duke, take the bet, put on my “Go Terriers” pocketed tee and matching rip-away pants and not think twice.
Pittsburgh (-7) at Syracuse – I love Dave Wannstedt’s mustache. Seriously, he looks goofy as he** but the kid sticks with it. You would think at some point his wife, close friend, heck...even his priest might say “Dave, it rocked in the 70s but it’s time to let it go”. He would then go up to the bathroom say goodbye to Juan (he named it in 1982) and then come down the stairs to a cheering family like in those makeover shows. Oh, and Tyler Palko is good and will throw for good stuff and that’s why they cover.
After years of practice Wannstedt perfects the face that fully accentuates "Juan"
Ole Miss (+2) vs. Vandy – Gives me another chance to chant DEXTAH-MAH-CLUH-STAH!! And Vandy favored at Vaught-Hemingway is like Rue McClanahan being favored in a game of Chutes and Ladders against Estelle Getty, just...ain’t...gonna...happen.
Wake Forest (+16 ½) vs. #15 Clemson – Wake’s at home. Biggest game for them in decades. Chansi Stuckey is out....did any of you ever stop at Stuckey’s on trips on the interstate? I remember seeing them when we would go the beach in North Carolina and always thinking...”Ugggh, who would eat something called a ‘log roll’”. Seriously Stuckey’s, can’t the marketing department come up with a better name? I hate foods with the word “log”, “loaf”, “roll”...hmm, but I do like egg rolls. Yeah, egg rolls are great especially when you dip them in that sweet and sour sauce. Man I’m hungry. What were we talking about?
OOOO! I want mine with extra log!
Maryland (+15) at #18 Georgia Tech – Take this with a grain of salt kiddies. I am playing homer here for my Terpies. However, I will say that the Fridge is going to be pumped to ruin his old team’s season AND they had a bye week to prepare. Does that mean they will shut down Calvin Johnson? Probably not, but I think they’ll come within a couple of TDs. Sorry...that wasn’t funny....so here’s a picture of this...
Could someone please help me find my dignity
South Florida (-6 ½) vs. Connecticut – What is the deal with these Applebee’s commercials with famous chef Tyler Florence? Like I’m supposed to believe that some 5-star chef is in the back whipping up my Veggie Patch pizza with a side of cheesy fries? Get real Applebee’s...stick to those sap-tastic commercials with basketball coaches hanging up pictures and dejected high school football teams stuffing their faces with tater skins to dull the painful memory of Billy hitting the upright to lose the Super Regional semi-final. Don’t pretend you’re anything more than the 7th or 8th choice on everyone’s “Where do you wanna eat tonight” list. Go Rams!
Interested in being a sell out? It's easy...ask me how.
Texas A & M (-2) at Kansas – No amount of failure is enough to punish Franchione for what he did to those Alabama players. TAMU win this one even though they have completely psychotic fans that claim to be “the nation’s most passionate and dedicated” but are closer to “the nation’s must homicidal and coo-coo freaky”.
LOCK O’DA WEEK:
Virginia (+6) at East Carolina – I can’t abandon my Cavs now, not after their she-lacking of Duke last week. But UVA...come on...when’s that mascot of yours going to come out of the closet? Not that I have a problem with it whatsoever. In fact I’ve been a staunch advocate of homosexual mascot rights for ages. I was the first to support the UT musketman’s decision to wed the Stanford tree. All I’m sayin’ is I feel for your overly flamboyant Cavalier prancing up and down the sideline knowing that he is bottling up his true self in side.
It's OK...you're among friends...
Season Record: 10-1