Friday, October 13, 2006

Friday Pick 'em - More fun than a root canal!

Welcome back weary betters to your haven. Your grotto of greatness. Your Valhalla of victory. Your wonderland of wagering. Yessir, it was another successful week here for ole Stanicek as my nine picks finished a solid 6-3 raising the overall season record to a crunk-tastic [am I using that right? Is there some statute of limitations for coolness on words like “crunk”? Maybe someone should issue a manual each year of de-cool-ified words letting mainstream America know that you no longer are impressing your friends by using them. For example 1996’s manual might include “psych (notice the use of parenthesis within that how you spell that? Is it sike? Cyc?) ] 16-4 against the spread.

Well enough chit-chat, on with picks (but one more thing...damn I love parenthesis and ellipses....why did Pasqua and I agree to do NINE any of you realize how difficult it is to come up with write ups on nine games?! It’s hard people! Add that on to the responsibility of publishing a weekly tailgating newspaper and now you’re talking a fricking 9 to 5 job. So feel free to give me cash the next time you see me), as always these picks are for recreational purposes and should be relied on about as much as I can rely on my self control when presented with a fresh tray of imitation crabmeat at an all-you-can-eat buffet....

Lines courtesy of Danny Sheridan as of 10/13:

#2 Florida (-2) at #11 Auburn – I mean seriously...have you seen Tuberville’s ears? I know this has been talked about ad-naseum but they are huge and astounding. It’s like the Grand Canyon, you’ve heard about it all your life and after awhile you start thinking “I mean, sure it must be great but it can’t be THAT great”...but you just don’t know until you see it. That’s what Tuberville’s ears are like...times ten.

Hey! You in the back! I can hear everything you're saying!

Maryland (-3 1/2) at UVA – My blind loyalty to my home state paid off last week and I shall follow that instinct again. And speaking of my home state...if JMac doesn’t use Old Bay, not some crappy generic brand, in the low country boil at Tent City this week...he shall be pummeled much like the unfortunate opponents of those viscous trained marsupials that were once forced to box for carnival goers entertainment.

Jmac...your future awaits. Take a look at that Kangaroo ref in the attentive!

South Florida (-3 1/2) at UNC – A little glimpse into the magic of the Stanicek blogging I type this I watch the VA Tech-BC game on ESPN’s Thursday Night College Football –and Boston College’s marching band just ripped into a rousing version of “Don’t Stop Believing” by Journey...what a waste. I can’t stand when respected university bands launch into some out-of-place music by some cheesy 80’s band just to garner cheap applause. God, it’d be like if the Redcoats played Bon Jovi.

Well no wonder they were so popular...the ladies must have LOVED them what with those "come hither" looks they were constantly giving!

#18 Oregon (-9) vs. UCLA – Thank God the good people at Hot Pockets have finally ditched that stupid little cardboard-aluminum (cardluminum? Alumiboard?) house that supposedly ensconced your Pocket in a vortex of heat when being microwaved. For those of you who eat Hot Pockets regularly (and please God, hopefully I am the only one...because they are bad) you will notice that in the last few months the folks at Team Pocket have ditched that contraption and now inform us that all we need to do is put our chicken fajita Pocket on a paper towel. Which makes me wonder...why was it there in the first place? Was I being duped into thinking that the only way to achieve that perfect balance of “core of the sun” hot on the fringes and icy cold in the center in my Pocket could ONLY be achieved via the use of the alumiboard? Well screw you Hot Pockets! I shall now only eat you once a week!

Oh sweet devil! Ugh...why do I eat these things?

Northern Illinois (-3) at Western Michigan – Basically the only thing I’m going on in this game is that I know ONE player on either team at that player is three foot four inch Northern Illinois running back Garret Wolfe. The same Garret Wolfe who has racked up 6 billion rushing yards and a googleplex of touchdowns so far this year. So if you like to bet on games based on ZERO actual analysis and little justification then take this game...and come to think of it...all of my games.

UAB (-5 1/2) at Rice – Am I the only one that can’t stop thinking about Chinese food every time I hear that some team is playing Rice. MAN, I just did it again! I’m serious...they could be playing for the National Championship against UGA in Pasadena and all I could think about would be “Rice?...Rose Bowl? Mmmm....rice bowl...HEY! Could anyone go for some lo mein or sesame chicken?”

NC State (-3) vs. Wake Forest – I am officially putting Wake Forest on “Season Tailspin Alert” after choking with that huge lead against Clemson last week. This alert is serious Wake, I put Tennessee on it last year they didn’t pay attention and you know where they were come bowl season...picking the lice out of each others hair...which is where they are most bowl seasons but I digress. Wake disregards my warning and falls to Chuck “the Baby-Eater” Amato.

That devilish smirk almost screams "Hey, is that a baby?!" And if you don't know what I'm talking about, well then you haven't been keeping up with our podcasts now have you?

Arizona (-3 1/2) at Stanford - So what is the deal with “Donnie Darko”? I just watched it again the other day for the second time and I still can’t begin to tell you what the H is going on. Yet, I still like it. Is it that freaky bunny? Is it the Swayze-factor? Who knows? It fascinates and perplexes me. If anyone can explain it to me feel free to warp yourself through a time travel portal back to last year, the first time I saw it, and tell me...feel free to bring “Frank”.

This is the most normal picture I could find from the movie

LOCK O'DA WEEK (Season Record for Lock o'da week: 1-1)

#19 Missouri (-1 1/2) at Texas A&M – Taking Mizzou after TAMU came through for me in such dramatic fashion last week? Betrayal you say? Well consider me Judas because I’m done with the Aggies...use ‘em and lose ‘em that’s what I’ve always said since the ten seconds ago when I first typed it.

So I just realized that I didn't pick any underdogs this week...ugh...oh well...what are you gonna do about it? Bring it.

Season Record against the spread: 16-4


Jmac said...

Don't think you wouldn't love the Redcoats cranking out Bad Medicine each time Georgia's defense made a stop on third down ...

Adam said...

There actually used to be a Rice Bowl in football, the Grantland Rice Bowl. Made quasi-famous by the 1969 game in which Terry Bradsahw & Louisiana Tech played and lost to East Tennessee State University, of which my dad was a member. Yep.

"In Terry Bradshaw’s final appearance as a Bulldog, he completed 20 of 39 passes for 299 yards, outstanding numbers. But, he was sacked an incredible 12 times for 143 yards in losses in probably the roughest afternoon of his career."

No wonder he acts like a retarded 5-year-old during NFL pregame.

This has been your "Useless Division II Football History Lesson of the Week".