Back again for another longwinded, most likely rarely read (or at least completed) edition of Friday Pick ‘Em. This week I dispense with the formalities and delve straight into the picks. Is it because I feel guilty shirking my school responsibilities to crank these bad boys out? Sort of. Is it because I’ve got a piping hot Cup O'Noodles waiting for me to scold my tongue on? No. Is it because I went 3-6 last week and have started a steady spiral downward with my pick success rate? Whatever...let’s pick...as always these picks are for recreational purposes and should be relied on about as much as me enjoying myself while in a costume at a Halloween party...
Lines courtesy of Danny Sheridan as of 10/19, picks in bold:
Maryland (-3) vs. NC State – A beeee-uu-tiful matchup of two squads that screwed me over last week. My hometown heroes, the Terps, down 20-0 at the half came storming back to win the game but failed to cover the spread by a point...oh the agony. Meanwhile NC State has roaring wins over BC and Florida State and then screwed the pooch by dropping one at home to Wake. As my great uncle Paddy used to say...”When yas need to decide between two who screwed ya, go wit da boys from where ya come frum.”
Uncle Paddy doing his famed "Drunk Off Jameson's and About to Start a Fight" dance...ah, happier times...
Ole Miss (+19) at Arkansas – Call me a suckah for Dextah Mahclustah but this is a lot of points to be getting against Arkansas. I know they beat Auburn but they still have a lot of holes and a lot of freshmen at key spots. I haven’t drunk the Arkansas Kool-Aid just yet but if they win by three TDs make mine Grape.
Is it too late to recruit this guy? He can run through fricking walls!
Notre Dame (-14) vs. UCLA – As I explained last week, I do these puppies on Thursday night...so to add some historical relevance to this entry (and also addressed by Pasqua)...as I type I just saw what may go down as one of the greatest plays in baseball history. Endy Chavez’s HR robbing catch quite possibly is the best play I have ever seen...and I watch A LOT of baseball...so much baseball that I started calling myself "Mr. Baseball" while I sit alone night after night ,alone in my duplex watching the west coast feed of Royals-Mariners games at 1am on the satellite baseball package screaming at Mike Hargrove to take out Ryan Feieraband cause his pitch count is WAY too high "GO TO RAFAEL SORIANO YOU DINKUS!", then of course Ryan Shealy rips a double in the gap and I jump up and down on my sofa hugging Mr. Smooshums (my pillow and imaginary bestfriend/pitching coach) cause I was right...yep, that's me...Mr. Baseball...hehehe...(sob)....like Tom Selleck....(whimper)...
THE CATCH....and a picture of what Dave Wannstedt and I look like without our shirts on.
South Carolina (-3 ½) at Vandy – Yeah, like Vandy ever wins.
Washington (+23) at California – I always thought Ty Willingham got a rawish deal at Notre Dame. Much like the raw chicken I ate once at a to-remain-nameless-restaurant in Augusta, GA (which incidentally was very expensive)...I mean seriously...we paid top dollar for that crap, I cut into my breast and a pink gooey mass was staring me straight in the face. Now I don’t know about you but I would much rather walk into Gyro Wrap with its (recently awarded) 60 sanitation rating, knowing full well that they cook their meat until you could wear it as sneaker soles, than pay 100 bones for a meal that includes a side of salmonella.
What is it? Who cares? Can I have mine with extra brown stuff and extra creamy stuff?
Arizona (+2) vs. Oregon State – What gives with these celebrity voiceoevers on ever dang commercial now? Does Madison Avenue think I am that much of an idiot that I will eat a Stouffer's Brand Ham Roll Up just because Josh Hartnett told me to? Well THINK AGAIN slime balls! From here on out I refuse to buy products from any company that tries to co-opt some celebrity’s status to push their devil products....unless it's Heath Ledger, with his rugged good looks and voice like butterscotch pudding, he could sell a rusty chainsaw to a drunken Serbian.
LSU (-33) vs. Fresno State – This is a struggle for me because I am almost positive that neither Les Miles nor Jamarcus Russell ever progressed past 4th grade. They always have the same clueless look on their face whenever they are in stressful situations, I think their inner monologue must go something like this, “Alright...focus. I’m (Jamarcus/Les) fu*king (Russell/Miles) and I’m the man. What did I do that time when we won that big game...sh*t I never won a big gam...hey is that my uncle up there? It sure looks like ‘em. Should I scream out to him? Did I miss his birthday this year? When is his birth...NO NO! I have to focus...focus...yeah, focus...that reminds me, should I buy a digital camera, I really want one but I should probably save up some more mone...”
Jamarcus fails to realize the play began as he was otherwise distracted by an ant crawling up the back of the center's leg.
Clemson (-7 ½) vs. GA Tech – I can’t tell you how much I love the name CJ Spiller. That guy just sounds AWESOME! Why doesn’t UGA recruit guys like that? Matt Stafford? Yawn. Thomas Brown? Give me a break. Charles John...{ZZZZZ}. Forget talent, go STRAIGHT for the names. First, look out for really great names like World B. Free or Sundiata Gaines. Second, look for names that will drive Lou Holtz crazy like DJ Shockley and Sundiata Gaines (“Gonorrhea Sames”?).
Unfortunately this is the far end of Sundiata's range
LOCK O’DA WEEK (Season Record 1-2) – So it’s bad – so is 2 year old mayonnaise...
Oregon (-3 ½) at Washington State – I’ll pull back the curtain on this one...I have never seen either of these teams play and guess what...can’t name one damn player on either side. But know what....the Ducks are gonna win, you know why? Because I was visited by the Archangel Michael late last night, he was surrounded by eyeless imps wielding razor sharp lances and were speaking in tongues, however, Michael stood alone on this post-apocalyptic hellscape and he assured me of it. So I got that goin’ for me, which is nice.
Woe be unto you heathen! Taste holy steel...and to the witnesses - take the Ducks they are 20-5 in Autzen ATS since 1999.
Overall Season Record: 19-10 ATS
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