Well I'm back...back after another rough week. This blog has served to expose me to the world as a horrific fraud. I don't know football. I don't know TV. I don't know movies. All I really know is that I love oatmeal and I'm dang proud of it. Of course I'm kidding - I know football and I know movies almost as much as I know volcano fishing...which is sort of like ice fishing only sweatier, less productive and a whole lot more dangerous. Alright, now that I've wasted a good minute of your life...on to the picks, as always these picks are purely for entertainment and should be relied on as much as me going back for a second viewing of "The Prestige"...
ATS LAST WEEK: 3-6
ATS OVERALL: 26-21
Picks in Bold, Lines Courtesy of Danny Sheridan
TENNESSEE +3 1/2 vs. LSU - So much of me wants to pick LSU in this game. Ainge is gimpy and I'm just not completely sold on them yet. However LSU is 1-11 all time in Knoxville and no matter how many athletes they may field, LSU still has Les Miles as its coach.
MARYLAND +20 @ Clemson - Those heartless, gutless, toothless bastards from Clemson jabbed the hot knife of mediocrity into my back last week at VA Tech and broke the heart of poor innocent Lock O' Da Week. LODW never hurt them but Spiller and Davis just used her...another notch on their bedpost of losing. Plus I'm from Maryland.
NAVY +11 1/2 @ Duke - When last I checked this spread was at 9, now one day later it's shot up faster than a llama on a teeter-totter...I'm still patriotic...Navy makes like an empty box of Little Debbie Swiss Cake Rolls and covers.
I'm fully aware the last sentence made little to no sense...or did it make so much sense and you just don't have the brain power to comprehend it...no, it didn't make sense.
VA Tech -2 1/2 @ Miami - Coker and his collection of thugs from the cast of Escape From New York continue their downward plunge into the 5th Level of College Football Hell...which I believe Dante said was the Level in which one is forced to hear an eternal debate between Beano Cook and Mark May about who is better Notre Dame or USC.
Kansas State +3 1/2 @ Colorado - You just don't mess with K-State when they're on the verge of bowl eligibility. Much like you don't mess with the all-time blues/rock album classic Bruce Willis' "The Return of Bruno".
That look, that t-shirt, that sweet-ass-sweet spray painted title - oh Bruce you are the King.
Texas -18 vs. Oklahoma State - Been said before, will be said again, but Colt McCoy is a great name for a Texas QB. Similar to former college football greats: LSU's RB Drunky Stinkins, South Carolina's LB Ben Delusional, Tennessee's WR Marreed Mesister, Alabama's DB Wearestillrelevantright Bearbryantisourcoachandpeoplestilltalkaboutusright and Florida's QB Denim Jacket.
Wisconsin -7 vs. Penn State - I like Wisconsin in this one but I can guarantee you on my first weekend to do nothing but sit around all day Saturday and watch college football I won't come within 24 sausage ball lengths of a Big Ten game. Big Ten football is just a shade above professional honeybee racing and NBA basketball on my interest scale.
AND THEY'RE OFF!!! "GO STINGY!"
California -17 vs. UCLA - I am hoping for a Cal-West VA bowl matchup so when both teams take the field wearing the exact same uniform and colors, mass chaos erupts and you can never tell who is on offense and who is on defense. That would be DELIGHTFUL!
Which is which? Only Chris Fowler knows for sure.
Boston College -3 1/2 @ Wake - Boston College has to be at least 4 points better than Wake right? What does this say about the ACC? What a god-awful conference it is this year. I am fairly certain that the semi-pro football league in Weehawken, NJ comprised mostly of the good fellas from the American Flint Glass Workers Union Local 701 could slide into the ACC Wales Division or whatever they call those stupid things and give those goats a run for the $$.
Now THAT'S some mother-f'n flint glass! Well done 701!
Yes, yes...I know the Lock O'Da Week is gone. But its for the best...her suffering ran too deep and she had to be put down. But don't worry, it was humane. We used the sharpest, least rusty butter knifes available to plunge into her miserable heart. Hopefully she has found peace somewhere among the wildflowers in Gambling Heaven.
Remember to check out NFL picks on Josh Massey's House of Waffles, Rabid Dogs and NFL Picks