It's finals time around the hallowed halls of the University of Georgia School of Law and with my upcoming annual MANDATORY mid-finals day off coming up Saturday for the last home game of the year, the picks this week have to be short and sweet so I can get back to doing what I do best, studying for ten minutes and then ripping off about 10 consecutive games of "Hearts" that I "announce" using my inner monologue like it was the Rose Bowl..."Where will Kelly go here...we're thinking 5 of hearts...and...NO...BOLD MOVE...he's throwing the King of Spades...Mabel wake the children 'cause Kelly's trying to Shoot the Moon!".
Well, it's probably for the best considering how miserable I was last week. I now hover at .500 and the horrid stench of mediocrity surrounds me...I'm not used to this...I'm not mediocre at anything...except school...and athletic competition...and singing...and driving...and creativity...and...
Last week ATS: 3-6
Overall ATS: 39-34-1
Kentucky +19 @ Tennessee - I've stuck by my C-A-T-S CATS CATS CATS...all year...so much so that they even betrayed me by beating my D-A-W-G-S DAWGS DAWGS DAWGS! But I think the motivation of playing for second place in the SEC East is enough to overcome that UT home field advantage and propel Woodson and the boys to a 17 point loss and cover.
NC State -3 vs. East Carolina - I call it stuffing NOT dressing. In fact I think anyone that says dressing needs to have dirty gym socks stuffed into their mouths and then beaten with a rusty egg whisk...everyone except for my wife...and Cal Ripken if he says "dressing"...and Jesus...but I am pretty dang sure Jesus said "stuffing" but I bet his stuffing included a bunch of gross stuff like figs.
Jesus...he could turn water into wine, walk on water, but he couldn't keep these things out of the stuffing...Judas said it "ruined the whole meal".
Florida -9 1/2 @ Florida State - With all apologies to the LadyEagle (again...I don't know why I bother because neither her nor John "Captain Moe-ron" Hart read this thing...but have you SEEN the Seminoles...I'd rather watch Pasqua regurgitate his 7th Thanksgiving meal in less than a week onto a dinner platter.
UNC -7 @ Duke - Zoinks homefield Blue Devil advantage - worth at least...a complimentary tube of Cortaid.
Reading the back of this box is equal to or greater than the excitement generated by Duke football.
LSU Pick'em @ Arkansas - I'm sure you all listened to the podcast so there's no need to discuss this game again...what was your favorite part of what I said...I thought so.
Clemson -5 1/2 vs. South Cack - What do you think Santa's cholesterol is? Seriously, the North Pole probably doesn't get many vegetable shipments...this kid's got to be eating elk meat 24-7-365...and boy is elk meat riiiccchhh.
San Jose St. -6 @ Idaho - Are you kidding me with this line? It's more appealing than a forkful of cranberry, mashed potatoes, stuffing, and turkey dripping with gravy...ooo boy someone's going to be having some weird Thanksgiving food-induced dreams tonight.
Boise State -3 @ Nevada - Follows my age old rule "Always pick Boise State until they play a team that you can name the mascot of within 4 seconds". 3...2...1...see I told you to pick Boise.
Ole Miss -3 vs. Miss State - The Egg Bowl...the EGG BOWL? That's what they came up with. There better be a GREAT story behind this game. What a stupid name...why don't we just call the UGA-Ga Tech game the Falafel Classic...or the Zagnut Rumble. Stupid.
Stop HIM! He's stealing Dextah Mah-Cluh-Stah's Giant Golden Egg Shaped troph...ahh, forget about it, tell him he can keep it.
Sorry - told you it would be short and sweet and probably light on the humor...well you know what...bite me...it's pretty tough to read about RICO conspiracy all day and then have some nameless gaggle of online readers demand the funny from you....alright, sorry bout that...I guess I should have said "light on the humor, heavy on the anger".