A few years back I used to email a good friend of mine who shall remain nameless....let's just call him Michael H...my picks for the upcoming week's college football games. The picks gleamed like Excalibur in the noon-day sun and could have made someone a lot of coin if they were wise enough to take my advice. However, no one did and the picks were thrown onto the scrap heap of betting history. However, the picks, along with Pasqua's NFL doozies, are back. While all of the following picks are most likely to most definitley correct...we advise you to not bet on them in any way shape or form...this is purely for fun and hilarity. On to the picks...(lines from Danny Sheridan as of Thursday 9/28, my picks in bold)
South Carolina (+14) vs. #3 Auburn: Remember that uncle or godfather that never bought you anything for your birthday even though you always thought he would. But every once in awhile he would come through and completely surprise you with a brand new Go-Bot completely out of the blue? That's how South Carolina is.
Simpler times. Simpler...knocking off Transformers times.
#18 Tennessee (-13) at Memphis: Come on. People. Memphis? They lost to Ole Miss (though there is no shame in that what with DEX-TAH MEH-CLUH-STAH on the Rebs side). I imagine most Memphis fans will be monitoring police scanners to find out which of Calipari's new recruits got locked up in lieu of watching this stinkah.
#10 LSU (-32) vs. Miss St.: The only way this game will be interesting is if midway through the 2nd quarter with the score 81-3 LSU, Sylvester Croom forfeits the game on the condition that he and Les Miles reinact their favorite scenes from the 1980s TV classic "Night Court".
#5 Florida (-13 1/2) vs. Alabama: I really want Bama to roll in this one. But something tells me that Florida wants payback from last year. I guarantee a big victory for the Gators and for Bama to mutiny, descend into utter chaos resulting in Kenneth Darby ritually sacrificing that placekicker who missed the XP last week, roasting him over open flame and forcing unwilling teammates to feast on said flesh...or for them to pile on the bus dejected and for Darby to ask everyone if its OK to watch "Must Love Dogs" on the ride home because it "moves him".
Mmmm....I call Tiffin's drumstick...wait do kickers have drumsticks?
Kentucky (-7 1/2) vs. Central Michigan: Consider me smitten. Smitten with the kittens. I love this Wildcat team. What is it about them? The pathetic air of futility that hangs over them like a cloud wherever they go? The forlorn faces of Wildcat fans everytime they show Rich Brooks on TV and it hits them like a sack of boiled yams that Rich Brooks is our F-ing coach? I have no idea...but I think it may have something to do with that freaky "spell Cats" cheer they do...it puts you in a place somewhere between heaven and a seizure.
Temple (+34) at Vandy: I believe it is written in the Bible...or was it "Good Night Moon"...regardless, a wiser man than me once said "Getting 34 points against a Jay Cutler-less Vandy is like stealing a Go-Bot from a baby". And yes, that was the second Go-Bot reference today.
I will refrain from picking UGA this week as I will be at the game and would like to maintain my journalistic neutrality.
Random Assortment from around the Nation:
Georgia Tech (+9 1/2) vs. Virginia Tech - Quite frankly I don't really hate Tech all that much. So sue me. You're getting almost 10 points and VA Tech lost two big starters to suspension.
#1 Ohio State (-6 1/2) at Iowa: Wasn't it Gandhi who said "watching the Big Ten play football is like kissing your sister"? Man, he was as smart as a xylophone. And incidentally, if Gameday doesn't stop pandering to the inferior ABC Game of the Week by visiting every stinking place Ohio State and USC play, I swear to Gandhi that I will force Mark May to watch David Greene and David Pollack highlights "Clockwork Orange" style until he cries "Pumpkin".
Boise State (+4 1/2) at Utah: Though we thrashed Boise like sad, wet dogs last year...these are exactly the kind of games that Jared "Oxygen...need...oxygen" Zabransky comes out and throws for 200 and runs for 200.
South Florida (+4) vs. Rutgers: The party ends for the Scarlett Knights.
LOCK OF THE WEEK:
Virginia (-5 1/2) at Duke: Alright, I know that UVA is down but DUKE?! 5 $*~ points? The UVA defense is like a pack of rabid weasels and will be all over Duke like butter on nails. Take this one all the way home to Wins-ington.
There they are. 10 picks for you to enjoy, caress and love. Could you tell I lost steam somewhere toward the end? Well deal with it because this was like writing a fricking novel.