NFL Locks (I mean picks)...by Pasqua

Stanicek and I decided to voice our gambling opinions for this weekend's football matchups. After Stanicek openly cried over the phone for 23 minutes when I told him I wanted to do the college portion of our picks, I gave in and told him I'd do the NFL...and we can go for ice cream next time I see him.

Indianapolis -9 at NY Jets
Indy. For the sheer fact that these guys are so fun to gamble on. They're the Texas Tech of the NFL but a whole lot better. There's a reason why Indy is like 11-5 against the spread every year and I won't bet against Indy's offense vs. NYJ defense. It's like betting on Boner to get the chick over Mike Seaver.

San Diego -2.5 at Baltimore
Baltimore. San Diego is 2-0 but have beat Oakland and Tennessee. Phillip Rivers, meet an NFL defense. This is the game where he gets brought down a notch. Kind of like when Henry Rowengartner faces his first big leage team in "Rookie of the Year". Actually, not kinda like it...EXACTLY like it. Take the money line. Trust your boy.

Minnesota +1.5 at Buffalo
Buffalo. Nominee for "Most Boring Game of the weekend" and whenever that's the case, take the home team who's favored by less than a field goal. Plus, it's fun to scream "Run J.P. Losman, run!". Whenever you root for J.P. you have to say his full name. Same goes for John Parker of Bama.

Dallas -9 at Tennessee
Tennessee. Somehow, I don't think a "Win one for the T.O." speech will hold water before the game. Too many distractions for a mediocre team to overcome on the road. 9 points is an eternity in the NFL. Wait...ok, yup, it's an eternity. Plus, never bet on Bledsoe. I don't care what the stats say, he's one of the worst QBs in NFL history.

San Francisco +7 at Kansas City
San Fran. Is anyone else praying that Damon Huard gets injured so Brodie Croyle has to play? If that happens, Kansas City probably goes from 7 point favorites to 7 point underdogs. Plus, I'm really not a fan of Larry Johnson. He's the...Larry Johnson of the NFL. Wow I'm struggling.

New Orleans +7.5 at Carolina
Carolina. They got the win they needed and are ready to turn the corner. New Orleans has to be emotionally spent after last Monday. New Orleans this week is similar to the time I saw A-Ha the night after they played a sold out Madison Square Garden. Friggin horrible, and they did a jazz version of "Take on Me". You're just not going to give the same performance. Holy crap, these guys are still together.

Arizona +7 at Atlanta
Atlanta. For the exact opposite reasons of New Orleans. This is their "A-Ha at the Garden" moment...and they know it. I took nothing away from their loss in New Orleans. '85 Bears would've shriveled just the same. T-Minus 2,887 minutes before we see Kurt Warner hobble off the field and the Matt Lienart Era in Arizona begins. Arizona is the Cubs of the NFL. Lofty expectations, hopes riding on the arm of a QB who will most certainly get injured. Horrible coaching. Sexy pick every year. Wouldn't it be fun if the Falcons took the field with "Cry Wolf" blaring in the background?

Miami +3.5 at Houston
Houston. This game is a toss up at best and I'll alway take the points in that case. Plus, the Astros are playing so well right now and I just saw this guy for the Texans. Stanicek and I LOVE anyone named Dexter Mc"something" so I have to root for Houston.

Detroit +5.5 at St. Louis Rams
Detroit. Remember the scene in "Adventures in Babysitting" where the mob dudes are reviewing everything they needed to ship off to their "Cleveland" people while the kids are up in the rafters trying to make it to the jagged window and the dude from Detroit takes a sip of his coffee right after dirt fell in it? That was gross. Detroit's due.

New England +5.5 at Cincinnatti
Cincy. Remember how I said that "Win one for T.O." speech won't motivate? Well, I can ASSURE you that a "Win one for Odell" moment will have that locker room jumping up and down. Actually, I hope Pollack does say something to that group of thugs before the game.

Jacksonville -3 at Washington
Jacksonville. This team's the truth and this pick will get Stanicek's goat...and whenever you can get a goat, you get it.

Cleveland Browns -3 at Oakland
Cleveland. My laugh out loud moment came last week when the Sports Guy picked "Bye -10.5 at Oakland". I saw this Oakland team play so I can attest to how bad they are. And you know what they say in Reno..."when your starting QB is Charlie Frye and you're favored by 3 points, you're set like Karch Kiraly and Kent Steffes."

Seattle +3 at Chicago
Seattle. Being a Bears fan, this one smarts but Seattle looked GOOOOD against New York last weekend. Remains to be seen if the Bears can be considered one of the elite teams in the NFC. Much like Shamoo's first appearance in front of a live audience at Sea World, this will be the Bear's big test. Litmus time.

Green Bay +11 at Philadelphia
Green Bay. Too many points for this one and after John Madden has his traditional phone sex with Favre before the game, he'll be "jazzed" up for MNF. Plus, I just saw this.

That's it for this week. Tune in next Thursday. Your gambling fate depends on it.

Pasqua OUT.